The Final Word

Well, went to the Oncologist's Thursday.  We weren't really holding out much hope but he confirmed what we had been thinking.  The chemo was not doing any good and there was nothing really else to try.  They pulled out the PICC line since I will have no need for it now.  Hospice has already called to set up our first appointment here next Tuesday.  I will do what I can here at home.  When I get down too far I will go into the Genesis hospice over by the Bettendorf Library. 

In the mean time, I just take things one day at a day.  Got much paperwork to organize for Brenda and junk to try to clear out.  So much do do, never dreamt we would get so pressed for time.

We haven't given up all hope but it doesn't look good.  Betting on a miracle now and that is always a long shot.  I will continue to update this blog as I feel able but don't expect much.  I have been very weak.  Cancer is an insidious disease.  Can strike without warning to anyone.

Live your life to the fullest.  You just never know when your number will get called.  Enough for now.  Take care and God Bless.

Happy New Year's!!

Well, looks like I made it until the new year, just minutes away.  Feel bad tonight, not eating much that will stay down so am very weak.  Hoping the new year brings me and my family some much needed relief.  Will go to the doctor's on Thursday (got delayed a day form some unknown reason.) Won't know til then whether chemo will continue.

Where's those comments? Am I talking to the wall again?  I really do need , and appreciate, comments.  Hate feeling like the the Lone Ranger. Only a few minutes til midnight. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S everybody!!!  Take care and God Bless.

Another doctor's appointment

Actually, just an office visit I guess you would say.  They flush out my PICC line, after drawing some blood for tests.  Then they flush the line out with saline and re-bandage the whole site.  My INR, blood thinner test, was 2.5, right where they want that to be.  They ran something else but won't find out the results until next week.  I do talk to the doctor then and he will decide if I should restart the chemo.  Right now I am not feeling much stronger so I do not think he will want to restart.  I do not know what I want to do at this point.  I am weak and being off of chemo is not making me any stronger.  Not sure where that leaves me for now.  Guess I will just have to wait and see what the doctor says next Wednesday.

Feel kind of rotten right now.  Tired but can't seem to sleep good.  Hungry but get sick after eating most food.  Hell of an existence.  Kids been driving me crazy.  Can't wait for Xmas break to be over.  Their level of energy wears me out, lol. 

Enough prattle for now.  Take care and God Bless!

The Balloon is Up!?

Well, what do I mean by that?  We had a doctor's appointment Tuesday morning.  I was supposed to have gotten chemo done.  My blood test results were all good, in normal ranges.  But because I am so weak the doc decided to give me a two week break off of chemo.  He said that would let us know if the chemo was doing me any better than doing nothing at all.  I am supposed to be getting the best treatment with the current chemo drugs.  But the doc has said several times already to us that there will come a time when the drugs will stop helping.  Then the clock starts ticking until the eventual end.  It could be weeks, months, or even years, though years seem highly unlikely.  I am still trying to stay positive but it is getting rougher every day.  I am weaker by the day it seems.  If I am not doing any better after the two week break I think I will go back on chemo, as long as the doc thinks it will prolong things.  I will fight til the bitter end but it is not looking good at this point.  Starting to think about wills and such.  Been putting it off but think it would be wise to get prepared.  Life is not fair, the kids keep saying.  Lord, don't I know that? 

People have been so great.  Xmas is going to good for the kids.  An insurance company has bought all of the kids presents.  They will get more from angel tree programs and a few other groups that have said they were sponsoring us.  Things had been looking pretty bleak since we have no income.  God seems to be providing for us as he sees fit.  Can't ask for more than that.  I got a cash advance on a life insurance policy so I could take care of some outstanding credit card bills.  Won't leave alot for the family like I would like to have provided but they will do okay.  Brenda is strong and there is lots of support from family and church and even the community in general.  Lesson to learn here people: prepare for the worst but expect the best.  You just never know when your number will get called and you get your ticket punched.  Life will never be fair so prepare for bad things to happen.  If nothing bad happens you will have lost nothing but a little time and effort.  Wish to heck now I had prepared a long time ago. 

Time for bed.  Take care and God Bless.

Just Another Day in Paradise?!?!?!

No, no really.  Got your attention though, huh?  I had another typical cruddy day.  Went to the doctor's office for my routine INR (blood clot test) and bandage change on my PICC line.  My blood tests were okay but they decided to check my electrolytes since I have been having so many problems keeping stuff down.  Ended up getting fluids there so was stuck sitting in their crappy recliner for over 2 hours.  They thought the fluids would make me feel a bit better - they thought wrongly :(  

We stopped at my mom's for a bit afterwards to visit and the came home.  I have done nothing since but lay down and rest/sleep.  Guess if that is what my body needs, that is what it will get.  Just makes for very monotonous days/weeks/months......

It all just seems to run together.  I figure if I can keep plugging away something has to change, hopefully for the better.  Brenda is out in this nasty weather getting me some needed medications.  Bless her heart, I know I would not have made it this far without her love and support.  But I still worry for her health.  I wish I could do more for myself.  Most days I am still took weak to even get my sorry butt outta bed without a gentle push from Brenda.  No strength at all in my upper body or so it seems.

Enough prattling for now.  Enjoyed the comments from the last blog entry.  Keep them coming - PLEASE!  It is one of my few pleasures in life, just to see that people still care and have not forgotten about me.  Take care and God Bless!

Yes - Way Overdue

Yep, life happens - just keeps getting in the way. I have just not felt like taking the time to update this blog.  I felt like nobody was reading it since few or no comments have  been getting posted.  I have had a bunch of people ask me recently why no updates.  When I ask for comments, I am not asking for lengthy ones.  Just a friendly how-de-do or thinking of you and your family Kim goes a long way.

I will now update the medical side of things.  My current chemotherapy drugs are: Oxaliplatin (which causes a weird side effect of making me very intolerant to cold things,) Epirubicin (which can cause hair loss and more nausea,) and Capecitabine (also known as Xeloda, which is the only oral med of the group.)  I get the first two drugs via my PIC line and the Xeloda via mouth for the rest of the three week cycle.  Then more blood tests and another round if tests are good.  I will start my third cycle next Tuesday.  Not feeling any better but not too much worse.  I really hate the cold intolerance.  Ice cream feels like biting into electricity.  Not worth the pain.  About 5-10 days after chemo the effect wears off and I get cold stuff for a short time before the next round starts.  No hair loss yet.  Actually had Brenda cut my hair because it was getting pretty bushy around the ears.  I am still taking a cough syrup every 4 hours and an anti-nausea drug every 6 hours.  Plus my usual anti-depression drug and stuff for constipation.

Physically, I am still pretty weak most of the time.  Easy to lose my balance too.  We got a scooter for me to use.  Got a heck of a deal on one we just couldn't pass up ($375 for a retail value scooter of $1700.)  The guy said he just didn't like it.  Insurance paid for most of it I guess.  I dunno but it is brand new and works great.  Just used it today at Farm & Fleet. I felt good enough for a little shopping.  I was in the doc's Thursday for a blood thinning test and dressing change on my PIC line.  My red blood count was way low so they gave me a shot to boost that up.  Guess it helped my energy level some.

Emotionally I am still pretty down most days.  The days seem to take forever and I don't sleep well at night.  Kids are pretty rambunctious and noisy alot and that wears me down too.  Kids will be kids but I do wish they would take my feelings into consideration some times.

As for the rest of the family, we are all going through various stages of a cold.  Brenda's feet are finally healing and she doesn't hobble around so bad now.  Cherae, Trey, and Daveon all are in basketball.  Brenda and Pierre have to do alot of running around for practices.  The first games are on Sunday.  Hope I feel up to going.  Kids are a hoot to watch trying to play basketball.

That about all I have for now.  PLEASE leave a comment if you read this.  Just say Hey if nothing else.  Then I know I am not wasting my time typing all this.  It does take energy, which I don't have alot to spare most days.  Take care and God Bless!

Pictures - for your enjoyment

Pierre's Cool Haircut

Pierre has been a great help to me and the family through this whole ordeal.  He is always asking what he can do for me.  I don't know what I would have done without his help and support.

Miracle - our royally spoiled kitten - recently turned 1 year old

Miracle - in one of her favorite boxes

Some recent pix of the kids

 

Trey and Daddy doing some snuggle time

Hope you enjoyed a peek into my world! 

The secret to Life: Live IT!  Treat every day like it could be your last because you just never know what curve balls life will throw at you.

Back - By Popular Demand

Yeah, I know it has been ages since my last update.  Hadn't been feeling too well and then I had major computer problems.  I had to get a new hard drive and added more RAM for good measure.  Took forever to get the hard drive loaded back up properly.  Good news is that it works like a champ now.  Cruises along like it should, no more Low System Resource errors like I was used to seeing frequently.  Amazing what Windows will do when you give it the horsepower it wants.  The hard drive is a bit faster than the old one.  Upped the RAM from 1.5 GB to 4.0GB.  Of course, XP only reports 3.5GB but it was a significant upgrade.

Alot has happened since my last update.  The heart scan was good so I was able to start chemo again.  I hate chemo but if it helps keep me alive I will tolerate it.  First I had to get a PIC line installed.  It is similar to having the infusion port in that it gives them easy access.  Basically, I have an IV port hanging from my right arm.  It keeps taped up in place pretty well.  It is located just above my right elbow.  It can also be used to draw blood for tests so that part is nice.  I hate getting stuck, especially since my veins are not in very good shape any more.

I got my PIC line put on Monday, the 8th and started chemo the next day.  I got two different drugs via the PIC line (Unfortunately I can't find the info on the names of those 2.)  The third drug I take orally, 2 tablets, twice daily.  That one is called Xeloda and it is used to make 5FU internally.  That is what I used to have to get via infusion pump all week.  So this is definitely easier to do.

I went back last Tuesday, the 15th, to get the PIC line flushed out and my blood tested.  I am still on warfarin, the blood thinner, so they have to keep a close eye on my levels.  Fortunately the levels are staying right where they want them so I have not had to increase the dosage.  I surely do not want to be in any position to bleed to death.  Can't win for losing LOL!

Trying my best to stay positive but it has been difficult to do with everything that has been going on.  Pierre did a pretty cool thing awhile ago.  He got a hair cut and had the words FIGHT and IT shaved into his hair.  I got pictures I will try to post here.  We all wear periwinkle blue rubber bracelets that have Say it - Fight It - Cure it on them.  Periwinkle blue is the color for gastric and esophageal cancer.  Pierre continues to be great help to me and the family.

I will sign off for now.  Going to try to find those pictures and get them posted here soon.  Take care and God Bless.

No Good News

I ended up seeing my oncologist on Tuesday.  My blood clot has pretty much gone away.  My left arm is back to normal size.  I still have to take the blood thinner for awhile.

My CT scan showed two new growth spots on my liver, plus the original spot had gotten bigger, after months of no growth.  Since it has been over 3 months since my last chemo I guess it could be worse.  Brenda and I have both been pretty well bummed out by the news though.  I have to have a heart scan next Monday to see if it is strong enough to handle the new chemo drugs the doc wants me on.  Guess they can cause damage to the heart valves.  Assuming I test out okay with that, the following Monday I will get a PIC line put in for chemo.  That is put into my right arm and gives them a place to put the chemo drugs, since my infusion port had to be removed.  The PIC line gets put in at like 6am and then I go right over to the oncologist's office to start chemo. 

I was so hoping that I was done with chemo since it drags me out so bad.  But I have to try everything they have.  I am not a quitter and the stakes are rather high.

My blood tests were all good though.  My liver is fighting tooth and nail and my kidneys are hanging tough.  I am a tough old bird and am not going down easy.  Must be the Ziegler side of my family.

Not going to say much about Sabian.  He has called several times about getting his clothes.  He doesn't bother to ask about me.  The family really could have been using his help through this.  He rather spend his time drinking and doping.  If that is the best way he can think of to handle this mess then good riddance to him.  We were always there for him, regardless of the circumstances.  Nice way to repay us.  I will not be saying any more about him in the future.  Makes me too sad and he is not worth my tears any more.

I am getting pretty tired.  Been a long day of fighting computers and no real nap to speak of.  I will say so long for now.  Look forward to hearing from anybody willing to speak at me.  Take care and God Bless.

Gimme A Break!

It just keeps getting worse.  Or maybe I am just getting so wore down it seems that way.  My arm is almost back to normal size.  Still taking oral meds for the blood clot.  Go to the doc Monday for a blood test to see where I stand there.

Had my CT scan and full blood workups Friday.  Have to wait until next Wednesday for the results.  Don't know why I can't just talk to the doc on Monday.  He should have the results by then.  I know Monday's are busy over there but I hate playing the waiting game.  Especially when the stakes are so high.  It has been 3 months since I stopped chemo.  If there is new growth I don't know what options I would have left since I do not have the infusion port now.  I don't think I could do chemo without having a port.

Brenda has been limping around here.  She managed to get burns on the bottoms of both of her feet.  She was messing around at the burning barrel in her bare feet. 

No updates on Sabian.  He is about done at school.  Keeps getting suspended for not following the rules.  He is flunking almost all of his classes so we don't know why he bothers even going.  Such a shame.  He is a smart kid, just extremely lazy.  Plus he has always seemed to think that the universe revolves around him and that everybody should do what he thinks.  World has never worked that way buddy boy.  Grow up and get over it!

Yesterday was one of the worse days I have had in awhile.  Kept getting sick and was so tired.  I had woke up at 2:30am and couldn't go back to sleep so I just got up and worked in the back room.  Slept okay last night so I feel a little better today.  Have lots of stuff to do so will get to it.

Thanks for checking back.  Please comment or email me.  God Bless!

Quote of the Day:
Life is hard. It’s even harder if you’re stupid.
--Anonymous

Life Goes On

Been quite awhile since the last update.  Sorry about that.  Many things been going on, none of them good unfortunately.

Thursday Brenda noticed that my left arm appeared to be swollen.  It was hurting or anything but she wouldn't let up on it.  She called my oncologist and he said it needed to be checked immediately.  So, off we went to Trinity for an emergency Doppler check.  Poor tech got called away from her son's ball game.  BUT, she did find a big blood clot.  So, the next stop was the Emergency Room.  They kind of lost me in there for a bit.  Once they checked me out they decided that my chemo infusion port was the cause.  So..... Friday morning a trip to Genesis to have the port removed.  That blew most of the day. Still have the clot.  On a blood thinner and a nightly shot to break it up.  Don't know what I will do if I ever need chemo again.  That port was a God send.

Sabian has not been home for about 3 weeks now.  He is mostly skipping school too.  Lost his job because of his bad attitude and poor attendance. Go figure   We have no clue what his problem is.  He is supposedly living with a known gang member and drug dealer.  He turns 18 on the 25th.  So welcome to the world of adults Buddy.  Sink or Swim, you are on your own, just how you wanted it.

I have lab tests and another CT scan on Friday.  Will know next week where I stand cancer wise.  Hoping for no growth still.

I will try to stay a little more current here.  Been having many stomach issues.  Most days I hardly want to leave the bed.   Thanks for checking back.

Quote of the Day:
Honk off, bozo.
--Eno, The Duplex

Life is Hell or so it seems

Just got sick again, for the third time today I think.  I am so tired of this.  I guess I may have to ask to see a specialist since neither my oncologist nor family doctor seem to have a clue.  Something has to be wrong somewhere.  The last visit to my oncologist he even asked me if I thought it was psychological.  Ha Ha - like I would ever dream of thinking myself sick.  I have woke up during the night and have gotten sick so that would be a good trick.

 

Sabian ran again.  He has been gone since last Saturday afternoon.  He was supposed to be going to work.  We don't know if he ever made it there or not.  He just never returned home.  He had talked about calling in sick so he could go to the Moonlight parade that Silvis had.  We told him No, he was scheduled to work so that was where he was going.  Guess he got mad about that, we don't know.  Not like there was a big fight or anything.  He has been going to school, which has us pissed off.  He is supposed to be listed as a runaway so he should have been arrested. But the a-holes at school figure as long as he shows up for school that is money in their pocket.  We have had people telling us about the crap he has been wearing at school, which we know he can't afford.  We figure we is dealing the drugs we know he has been using.  Sabian had so many people fooled, thinking he was such a nice boy.  Had us fooled too, until the last couple of months.  We just hope he doesn't end up dead or in jail, which is about the only two places he seems to be headed.  Nobody seems to be able to get through to him except his gang-banger buddies.

Pierre, on the other hand, has been great.  He doesn't want anything to do with his brother.  He willingly asks if there is anything we need help with.  He plays chauffeur for me if I have errands to run.  He has taken over Sabian's chores plus does his own.  We thank God that Pierre hasn't been a problem through all this.  I don't think we would have managed.

I have to try and get some sleep.  Still not sleeping well.  Always so tired...  I wouldn't wish that crap on my worst enemy, if I had one.  Appreciate every day - you never know what lurks around the corner.  Take care and leave me a comment or send me an email.  God Bless!

Still Plugging away

Yes, I am still here.  Been a bad day, on top of a bad week.  Still having tummy troubles.  Meds do not seem to be helping much.  I will probably end up back in the hospital unless something changes radically.

The good thing is that the kids are all back in school now! The peace and quiet was amazing.  I love them all dearly but the noise level drives me crazy some days.  Brenda and I had planned on doing some shopping today.  But I felt crappy and she didn't feel too good either.  Tomorrow hopefully will be better for both of us.

Enough for now - haven't slept good so time for bed.

Bad week

Yep, the title says it all :(

Was still feeling bad (tummy aches and running mouth) so broke down and went to the doc (yes, I am stubborn.) Blood tests were all okay. Was not dehydrated, which even I can't understand seeing how much I seem to spit out. Doc prescribed a couple of new meds, one to increase my appetite and the other to hopefully decrease the running mouth problem. Well so far I am eating a bit better but my mouth just doesn't seem to want to quit running. Really tired of spitting into a waste can or swallowing it. Gross, I know but what can I say. Cancer sucks! Just can't seem to get a break.

Not sleeping very good either. Take an Ambien CR and a Tylenol PM and still wake up most nights around 3-4am and take awhile to fall back asleep.

I am really starting to get discouraged. Been off of chemo for almost 7 weeks now and still am not feeling any better. Thought my body would recover better than this.

So sick and tired of being sick and tired :( Common complaint from cancer victims but still true. All I wish for at this point is ONE day where I don't hurt or feel so dog tired. Heck, I would settle for 8 hours.

Well, body says time for a rest. I will lay down for awhile and see what happens.

Take care!

Tuesday August 7th

Still not feeling too great - seem to be tired too much - tummy hurts alot. Should be feeling better by now. Might have to break down soon and go to the doctor to see what else I can try. One of those damned if you do and damned if you don't type of things.

Sabian is still home, being his usual PITA (pain in the ass) self. He is talking about going back to football. That is somewhat positive. Time will tell. We are not going to give up on him, no matter how bad he treats us.

Time to try to eat some supper. Please leave a comment, even if it is just to say hey!

Take care and God Bless.

Friday August 3rd

Well, on the Sabian front... he ended up back home. Brenda kind of caved because the police had only given Sabian a choice of coming home or going to the county jail. Sabian still says that he is out of here when he turns 18. We can only hope that he wises up before that happens. We have always wanted him to graduate high school and know if he leaves our house, he will drop out. He was doing great until he started listening to the wrong people. He hasn't said one word to me since he came back home Thursday afternoon. I am hoping that me having cancer is part of his problem. He has never said a word to me about it. That hurts to think he just doesn't care.

On the health front, today has been horrible. Have gotten "sick" four times, which I hadn't done in months. No clue as to why. Once or twice a day is normal. Tuesday I think I made it through the whole day without getting sick. Doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason why it happens. I so want to gain some weight but that is near impossible when my stomach usually feels so bad. I am down to 163 pounds now. Can't afford to lose much more. Sure don't want to have to go back to the hospital and get nutrition through a darn tube.

Well enough for now - please keep us in your prayers - take care and God Bless.

Big Change (for the worse)

Not with my health, thank God.

Sabian, our oldest son, decided today that he didn't want to be part of the family any more. He is going to be 18 in September and had been talking of leaving then. A HUGE mistake on his part but we were tired of fighting him on EVERYTHING. Anybody with children is aware of the drill. Parents know nothing and the teen knows it all. He seemed to think that he was the boss of the house. Had the guts to tell me last night that I had no business speaking my mind in my own house. Not going to belabor the point. All of the kids have been told for literally years that if they left the family under bad conditions that they would not be allowed to return to living here. It is a crying shame that one person's selfishness causes so much grief for eight others.

He will always be our son. Nothing will ever change that. The whole family loves him. We wish him well. Just hope his friends who have been filling his head with crap are all willing to give him support. Shelter, food, clothes, and transportation do not come cheap in this world. Guess some people have to learn life the hard way.

If you have any spare prayers, please send a few Sabian's way. He is surely in need of some. The family will surely be upset while we work through this transition. BUT, we are strong and will continue to survive just fine. Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks for your understanding.

A Long Week

Doesn't seem like it has been a week since my last update - time sure flies!

Where do I start? Tuesday morning we went to the oncologist for my CT scan results. Great news there, at least. No growth at all! No shrinkage of the remaining spot on my liver but the doc was happy to see no growth. Don't have to go back to him now until September!! More time to get my body closer to normal. We left about noon to go to Adventureland, an amusement park, located outside of Des Moines, Iowa. We stayed at the Adventureland Inn. Had a room just off of the kiddie pool area. The kids played most of the afternoon and evening in the pool. We had a pizza party there. Went to the park most of Wednesday. I had rented a motorized wheelchair to use. That made things much easier. I mostly played photographer. I did do the Teacups and River Rapids log ride. Got some great pictures to share when I put them on the computer later. Spent a little time in the hot tub that night. I was not feeling very good most of the time there. BUT it was very important to me to spend some quality time with my family. It might be our last vacation together as a full family. Sabian turns 18 in two months - no telling if he will still be home next summer.

I still am not feeling very well. Woke up twice during the night and got sick. Not able to eat much today - tummy is so weird feeling. A full month out of chemo now - should be feeling better than this :( Since my tummy is so weird I am back to soft foods for a bit to see if that helps.

That is it for now - stay tuned - Same Bat time - Same Bat channel LOL

Saturday July 21st

Well, I was just getting ready to do a post and got sick :( It has passed so I will try again. Don't know what is going on and am getting pretty tired of it. I ate pretty good today but did get sick this afternoon too. Still hoping to get over this weirdness.

We ran a few errands tonight. Finally got my friend Pat's computer back to her. Had to do many updates and scans. Been over a year since I last worked on it. Added alot of goodies for her Incredimail program. I really enjoy mine and think she will love hers too. Incredimail offers some really cool stuff such as animations. They also offer a free screensaver called Magentic. That has tons of great wallpapers and animated screensavers. I enjoy just sitting and watching them. Some of them are so real you would swear that you were outside.

Gonna call it a night - take care and God Bless. Post a comment!

Time gets away from you

Funny how time can get away from you :( So much for daily updates...

Well things seem to be improving somewhat. I am actually able to eat meat again! The other night Brenda was eating a leftover Whopper. It smelled good to me so I asked her for a bite. I didn't know if I could tolerate it. It tasted good so I asked for another bite lol. Weird how the last few months I couldn't tolerate even the smell of most meat without feeling sick. Brenda bought some Corky's BBQ'd ribs from QVC and made some up the other night. They tasted good too!!

I am still getting sick almost every day (the coughing up of phlegm.) Hopefully that will dissipate soon. Maybe my body is slowly getting back to normal, whatever that is now. Nothing will ever be the same after cancer hits.

Today was the last official day as an employee of Quad Cities Online. We had a food day down at the office yesterday. It was great seeing everybody that had moved over to the Rock Island Argus. We had some good conversation and some great food. I ate pretty well, even a few bites of a cheddar brat. I did get sick just before we left for home. Got almost everything packed up from the office. Still have the small refrigerator to clean out and transport home.

Tripped on the way to the dining room - darn aero bed strap caught my big toe. Scraped my right knee and elbow a bit - hate being clumsy and weak. Hope that will pass too.

Enough for now - take care and God Bless.